Happy Holidays!

I have been absent- again, mostly because I have been anxious about what will happen with my job. We have been told to stay home Monday, January 5th to await our fate. The good news is that if I do get laid off I will get paid until January, then my severance will kick in which will take me through April. Two bonuses owed will by me another month which means that I will need to find a new job by June 1st which I feel has a good chance even in this economy. It may not be my dream job, but it will have to pay the bills. But hopefully it won't come to that.

My dad is already complaining about the cost of the wedding and we haven't even spent a dime! When my mom told him she had booked the country club he suggested another venue. I don't want that other venue. I feel like I am already compromising by having the wedding where they live, not me. And I plan to be very practical with the guest list, flowers, etc. No bridezilla here. I want to get married at the club, have an open bar, and a band. Those are my only requirements. My mom can choose the rest. Even the dresses I have looked at are at the less expensive end of the spectrum- no $2000 dress for me. Sigh... its gonna be a long year.

Happy Holidays to all!

Bleak

I haven't posted in a while because I have had some bad news. After the joy of getting engaged I found out that my company is having layoffs is my area. They are cutting my division by 2/3 and I may very well be unemployed come January 5th. It is very unsettling and has made it very difficult to think about my future. I do have a wedding date- November 14th, 2009 so I have something to look forward to, but it honestly is not on my mind too much. I did have some drama already- I decided I wanted only my sis in laws as attendants and when I told one friend she got mad and I think basically ended our friendship. She and my fiance don't get along but that isn't what happened. I am not having one of my closest friends of over 20 yrs either and she seem to understand. I just can't worry about that now- it is my wedding and I think it is my right to have as big or small a wedding party as I want.

So for now, I await my fate.

Engaged!

It's official- I now have a fiance. I knew he wouldn't be able to keep the ring to himself for too long and sure enough, he proposed last night! We then went to a great restaurant with my brother and some of his friends (they were in town for work) and he bought champagne for everyone to toast us. It was wonderful. Yesterday was truly amazing.

new laptop

I got a new laptop today. My old one still works, but the battery is totally dead and the I am having to borrow a power cord from my work laptop because the one for my personal one (the second one by the way) broke. My laptop is a Toshiba and to replace those 2 things will cost close to $200. We may sell this one as is or keep it as a spare- not sure yet.

So, I bought a new gateway that is much faster with more memory and a better screen for $599. Now bf and I are going through the painful process of getting rid of Vista and putting XP back on it. Thank goodness he is an IT consultant.

It is getting closer to when we will be getting engaged. I don't know exactly when, and the ring is not ready yet, but bf has said he can't wait until I have a sparkler on my hand. I think he is very proud of the design he chose and he knows I will love it. I can't wait!

Fall as we know it here on the Texas gulf coast has finally arrived. It will get into the high 30's tonight but the days will be gorgeous low 70's all week. I love this time of year.

Hope everyone has a great week- it will be a busy one for me, but if anything exciting happens I will be sure to post.

So excited!

So today was a very big day. Bf and I went to the jeweler where he is getting my engagement ring made to look at the wax version. It is going to be the most gorgeous ring. We also are having a simple band made for the Jewish ceremony and a small band of diamonds made as well. This way they will all match and look perfect together. And while I was not planning on the diamond band we decided to do it since we are using 18k white gold instead of platinum.

It will be ready in 7-10 days and then of course he will hide it from me and I will just have to wait until he is ready to ask me. I know it will be before the end of the year. I am just so excited. Things are great and I am such a lucky girl!

Happy Monday. Is it just me or is everyone having a hard time adjusting to the time change? I am just very tired today, but that could also be because we have a new cat that tends to want to play when I have just reached a deep sleep.

I went and visited my family for Halloween and had a lot of fun. I left bf here to catch up on work and I think he got a lot accomplished but still has a lot more to do. One of these days he will get back to where he was before the hurricane hit and his computer crashed.

I sat next to a girl on the plane that had just gotten engaged. It was very exciting to hear her talk about it and made me excited for the day when I too get proposed to. I know it won't be far off, but it is still a waiting game.

And now I am off to watch Gossip Girl- one of my many guilty pleasures.

So busy

I feel like I haven't posted in forever. It's been a busy time for work and my mom was in town over the weekend as well. We had a good time, but I was emotional after she left and cried to my bf. I know time of month exaggerated it, but sometimes the fact that I live far away and the rest of my family lives within 5 miles of each other makes me sad. I feel like I miss out on a lot of things, especially with airfare being so expensive now. I am going there next weekend to see the kiddos all dressed up for Halloween so that will be fun.

I saw my psychologist yesterday. It was a good session. I thought everything was going pretty smoothly in my life, and it is for the most part, but she made me realize that all the little things that are going on are manageable by themselves but put together they can be a little overwhelming. And it's ok that I get a little anxious as long as I have ways to cope and calm myself down. And I do. I have words and thoughts that I can say to myself to make myself realize the sky is not falling and even something really challenging came along I will be ok.

I am ready for the holidays to get here. This is the first time that I really have someone special to share them with and I can't wait. I have always been like the 7th wheel at family events and alone at the holiday parties and to have him, who I have jokingly called my man candy (only to him), will make me so happy. Of course a shiny sparkly ring on my left hand would be icing on the cake.

Hump Day

I was just getting ready to post when my bf came in the room and asked me to put my computer down for a few minutes. I thought we were going to cuddle but apparently he had other ideas. And I was all dressed for the gym and am now sweaty with weak legs. Oh well, sex is better than the elliptical any day.

Passing

My grandfather passed away yesterday. This is my mom's dad and while we knew this was coming, it still is upsetting. His quality of life had declined dramatically so I do believe it is for the best, but I think about the good times and it makes me sad.

I will be flying to California to meet my mom there for the funeral. She told me I didn't have to go but I it did not feel right. I want to be there to support her.

I have one grandparent left, my dad's mom who is about to turn 94. I don't want to even think about her dying one day... that will be devastating.

Two Thumbs Up

BF and I had friends over for dinner last night- a single girl and a couple. BF and the single girl had met, but the couple an bf had not. There was not any reason for this, it just had not happened yet. Well, it turned out really great; good food and good conversation.

Across the board we both like each others friends and families. I think one of his friends is sort of boring but he knows that. The thing is, he hates one of my good friends and because of this our friendship has suffered. They were supposed to do business together and it did not work out and now I am caught in the middle. I have learned my lesson to not mix friends and business (although he is working for my parents), but I hate the fact that I can't see her with him, or even that when I want to see her I get snide remarks from him.

What do you do in this situation, when you know you will never be able to socialize as couples?

Straightening up

My cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. She has only come once before and is awesome. We have her every other week, but the hurricane and lack of power for 3 Saturdays set us back so now the house is a mess again.

So now I will do what many women I know do: I will clean in preparation for her arrival. It seems silly in a way because I am paying her to do it, but there is just something about having a near stranger inspect your house and find it too messy. Or maybe it is just that if I don't pre-clean she will never make a dent in it.

I will devote a few hours today to throwing away papers, loading the dishwasher, putting books and various other items where they belong, and doing laundry. The laundry gets done every weekend anyway so I guess I can't count that as anything extra.

And oh I just can't wait until tomorrow evening when I have a nice clean home... at least for 72 hours or so.

All is well

For the first time in over two weeks I am sitting in bed typing on my laptop. That's right, late this afternoon the power finally came back on. In anticipation, since my neighbors across the street got theirs 2 hours earlier, I scrubbed the bare refrigerator and freezer. It was cathartic in a way and it has n0t been this clean in a long time. Now it is stocked with cold beverages and nothing else and the freezer is bare save for 2 bags of ice. Slowly but surely we will replenish our variety of condiments, fruits, vegetables and various frozen items. We lost a few hundred dollars worth of fish so I never want to stock either as fully as before.

I have run the dishwasher and have done 4 loads of laundry. I changed the sheets on the bed and tidied up the bedroom. After all this I took a nice warm shower, which I have been able to do since we have a gas water heater, but now I get to do something I have not done in a week.... blow dry my hair. It really is the little things that sometimes mean the most.

And finally, for my Jewish readers, have a very Happy New Year. I, for one, am very grateful that my synagogue has power, my bf will be attending services with me, and hurricane season is almost over. L'Shana Tova!

Still in the dark

It was 2 weeks ago today that Hurricane Ike wreaked havoc on my city. And since midnight on that Friday I have been without electricity. At least 3 times the power company has told us we will be getting it back, but still it is dark. In 3 hours, if it is still not back on, another deadline will be missed. I know they are doing their best, but areas far harder hit then us have had power for a long time now.

I also have at leas 40 mosquito bites from when we spent all day Tuesday clearing the branches and limbs from the yard.

On the bright side the weather has gotten much cooler so we have pleasant nights to sleep with the windows open. Mind you, we only have 4 with screens on them so we will have to live with that.

I am cranky, but also very aware that so many others lost much more than power and for that I am remorseful for my bitching. We just want to get back to normal.

May this weekend be fabulous for everyone and well lit for me.

Almost home

I have been in Austin for over a week, but we are going home tomorrow. We are still without power, but friends have gotten theirs back and we can stay with them. On Wednesday I will get back to work and assess the state of my business. Since many of my customers were in the hardest hit areas it may be weeks before they return to normality.

I really miss working and my every day routine. Other than training I have never been gone from home this long. I also have never missed this much work with the exception of once when I had severe eye infections for 3 weeks. Even then though I was at my own house sleeping in my own bed.

If only I could click my heels and be back...

Cooler places

The hurricane was extremely scary. I spent the night in the closet- no sleep of course. When daylight came I went outside to survey the damage. Several large limbs fell on my roof and ripped my gutters off, but it looks like the roof is ok. I will know more when the electricity is back on and we can cut the limbs down.

The power company says it could take up to 3 weeks to restore power to everyone. I do think I will get it much sooner, but I still came to Austin today to wait it out. My sales territory covers Southeast Texas including Galveston so working for the next few days would be impossible. I just hope everyone I know s all right and that they didn't suffer too much damage.

I hope I never have to experience something like that again.

A Scary Situation

The winds have picked up and I have to admit I am a bit scared. I have never been in a hurricane before and this one could be a bad one. I hope my customers in Galveston and the rest of the bay are doing ok and have evacuated to a safe place. As for me, I am "sheltering in place" or "hunkering down" at my house. My windows are boarded. I have blankets and pillows by the closet that will be my shelter when the wind gets to tropical storm force. My flashlight and radio are ready and I have drinks and snacks.

Another large branch just fell onto my roof. It startles me every time. And now it is dark so this storm will be even scarier.

I just hope the power stays on as long as possible. I have no doubt I will lose it at some point, but in the meantime I am using the internet, watching the nonstop news, and keeping my fingers crossed. Tonight there will be little sleep.

I miss my bf.

No Like Ike

Well, it looks like Ike isn't going to spare us. We have been lucky in the past, but all signs point to at minimum a lot of rain and wind.

My bf is out of town so I am on my own. I have moved everything inside, have plenty of food and water, flashlight and candles.

Now I will just do what many other are- watching the news and waiting to see what may come our way.

Misc.

The weekend was good. I met bf's aunt, uncle, and cousin. They were all very nice. His 22 yr old cousin is so sweet and cute. Both of us have relatively small families so for the most part we have them all and both sides seem to approve.

Bf has been so busy working. And just when he is finally making some money and maybe saving for, oh, I don't know, maybe something sparkly, his server goes out. It will cost around $3000 for a new one so that will be quite a setback. I know it sucks for him because he is struggling to get his business up and running and this does not help at all.

I know the past week or so I have reverted back to some old ways of bringing up the ring and getting engaged too much. I know I need to stop and let things happen. Luckily I have an appointment with my psych Thursday. Also, I leave town for Phoenix today through Wednesday and bf will be out of town Wednesday through Monday so that week distance will allow me to get off the nagging train.

Oh... and I guess I will check the weather to see if another Hurricane may be coming close to us.

Everyones friend

I got a facebook message from a guy I dated very briefly at the beginning of 2007. I really liked him although looking back now I have no idea why. Anyway, he is moving here for school for a couple of months and was asking about apartments. He also asked what I was up to so I told him "we" were doing stuff around the house.

Well his response was- "whose we?", and "whats his name" and "are you living together?"

Although questions2 and 3 are reasonable, question 1 irked me. My profile says in a relationship but more importantly my profile pic is of my bf and me. Could he really have been that dumb?

Back to my title for today: in looking through my facebook friends I realize there are at least a dozen guys that I either dated, hooked up with, or went on at least one date with. Why oh why? Now granted, I really only "talk" to a few of them, but still.... is it really necessary?

And then the petty side of me comes through and I realize I want them to see me happy with my cute bf while they remain, for the most part, unattached. I really can be a bitch sometimes :).

Watching the weather

All eyes along the gulf coast are on TS Gustav... I feel fairly confident that we won' get it, however we were still in the "cone of uncertainty" the last time I checked. We have been lucky and have dodged several bullets in the last decade or so. Never the less, we went to the grocery store and got essentials just in case.

In other news- I have absolutely nothing planned this weekend other than getting the house cleaned up and organized. I am not looking forward to it since it is so hot, however it needs to be done and I will be so happy once it is. Tonights agenda is laundry and bathrooms. Fun times.

I hope everyone else has much more fun and excitement in store for Labor Day.

No move in site

I didn't get the job. They went with someone with more sales experience. I guess that is the price you pay for switching careers a few times. My bf still would support going for another position and moving to further my career, but right now I just want to focus on what I like about my job and on my personal life. Maybe in a few months I will re-evaluate.

In other news, we went to my parents this weekend for their 40th anniversary. That is a long time. It was fun seeing the whole family, and my bf helped my parents out with their new office computer and phone systems so they love him even more now. Maybe more than they love me.

I also switched my volunteer locations. I was in the hospital ER, but now am helping out at the Trauma ICU waiting room desk. I feel much more useful now so it's a better fit.

I really need to get back in the gym... maybe tomorrow.

Virus

My computer has had virus all weekend. Fortunately my brilliant bf is in the computer biz and has been fixing it, but it is not totally fixed yet.

I have been preparing for my interview. While I feel totally qualified I also am very nervous. I picked the morning time slot for Wednesday so I wouldn't have to think about it all day. Today I am just going to get my work done, come home and think of some more examples to the behavioral based questions they may ask me, pack, and go to bed early. My plane leaves around midmorning Tuesday so I will have to leave me house pretty early to get there on time and I want to be rested.

Hope everyone has a good Monday!

cool feeling

Several years ago there was a radio show with a segment called cool feelings. Basically the dj would name all these random generally not so great activities/comments and afterward each one would say "thats and cool feeling." I found it quite annoying. Last night I got my own version.

Your boyfriend climbing into bed, wrapping his arms around you and saying you are amazing: thats a cool feeling.

The fact that it was 3 a.m. and he wrapped his freezing body around you while you were comfortably asleep: not so much.

I got an interview!

Next Tuesday I will be flying to Philadelphia for the interview Wednesday. I am pretty nervous but excited too. I have a lot of preparation to do because much of the experience I will talk about is from my previous career as a consultant.

I am watching The Departed for the nth time. The sex scene with Leo where the song Comfortable Numb is played is so damn hot.

I am still waiting to hear if I get an interview. It is painful. I have support from my manager, her manager, and her manager's manager so I have a pretty good shot at an interview, but rumor is that a lot of more senior people have applied. My resume with its 3 distinct career choices is almost a mirror of what they are looking for yet politics often play a role in who gets hired. We shall see...

Hope everyone has fun plans for the weekend. I am volunteering in the ER of a major hospital and I have my training tomorrow night. It should be interesting since it is Friday night. I hope I have strong enough stomach for whatever I see. Then I am off to Austin on Saturday with a friend. Her trainer is in a fitness competition and she asked her to attend so mini-girls weekend here I come.

Being in love is wonderful

Two weeks ago I was walking around miserable. Since then, my bf and I have had a serious talk, I have started seeing a new psych, I have applied for a new out of town job, and in general I have been practicing not worrying too much about the future.

All of this has led me to truly enjoy my relationship and my boyfriend for the first time in what seems like a while. My love for him is so strong, but his love for me is what really puts a smile on my face and makes my worries fade.

I sound corny, but I can't help it. I vent so much here that when things are going well, like now, I want to boast about it. I feel very lucky and I know he feels the same.

On another note, I cut about 5 inches off my hair to where is now falls just below my shoulders, but not much below since it is layered. I think it looks good and bf thinks it looks hot so it was a good decision. I did, however warn him that my stylist has magic blow drying talents that I do not possess.

Weather Day!

I am currently sitting at home watching the steady downpour of Tropical Storm Eduard. We didn't get a direct hit but will probably end up with 3-6 inches of rain. Being a sales rep, my manager did not think being on the road would be very safe today so I get a weather day. For me this means catching up on some admin stuff, watching the extended local news reporting from all over the city, and catching up on blog reading.

Unfortunately my bf, who works mostly from home, got called to a client site so he isn't here to enjoy the lovely weather with me.

I don't watch any soap operas, but I would have liked to watch the talk shows. Not happening anytime soon though. Thank goodness for satellite!

Weekend Happennings

As usual the weekend is going by too fast. I helped throw a baby shower for a good friend yesterday. It turned out fine although I wish more people had attended for my friends sake.

That did not end until after 2 so by the time I got home I pretty much relaxed with my bf all afternoon and night.

Today we are going to a lunch and a baseball game. It looks like it will rain, but it is an indoor stadium so it will be fun. Once the game is over I will have to come home and get ready for the work day tomorrow because I am working with my manager. Fun times.

Being Thankful

I feel lucky that the blog world exists. I get to learn about some amazing people and their lives; some I comment on, some I don't but I am always thankful that people share their experiences.

There are the brave young women battling and beating breast cancer that inspire me daily. There are the wives and girlfriends whose significant others are facing health issues. There are amazing yet everyday women starting new careers or educations, struggling with relationships, dealing with family issues. I learn something from every single blog I read, even if it is just to stop and appreciate what I have around me.

I have my health. I have a man who loves me as I am. I have a family that loves and is supportive of me and my choices. And I have the most wonderful network of friends.

So today I am putting any negative thoughts aside and only focusing on the positive. An early thanksgiving I guess.

TGIF!

Mamma Mia- solo

I am going to the movies tonight- by myself. I haven't done that in a long time, but I think it will be fun. Then I am going to the gym to do a quick 30 minute cardio workout.

Things have settled down with me. The bf and I are getting along. I am really working on containing my thoughts and not worrying so much about the future. We are happy together, we love each other, and while things aren't perfect I know there is no such thing. Its time to start enjoying my life and not being so negative.

And now I am off to put on my gym clothes and head to the theater for the early evening show.

Another Monday

They just come too fast. And I even took Friday off at the last minute so I have absolutely no excuse to be so blah. I think I need a vacation, but I just hate taking a bunch of days off and then ending up with none at the end of the year so I try to pace myself.

I had a great weekend. We went to this small cute town here in Texas and did a little shopping. There are a lot of winerys around there and we plan to come back in October and do a tasting tour.

I hopefully will hear something about the potential job this week.

Thats all I have got for now. Have a good Monday!

Let the sun shine...

I mean that literally. I live in Texas... in case you hadn't heard we had a little hurricane. I don't live in that area actually, but the gulf is active and we probably got a few inches of rain here too. I checked the weather for the weekend and it looks clear.

I had a great appointment with my new psych. I really like her style and think she can help me with my angst. BF and I have been having some really great days after we talked. I don't expect all of my concerns to disappear, but I am trying to just enjoy each day.

My boss is encouraging me to go for a new job out of town. She thinks my "fine mind" is somewhat wasted in my current position. If I were to get this job, which is highly unlikely because it is very very senior, it would only be for a couple of years and bf said to go for it if it would advance my career. I think he realizes that right now my career is more established and he can afford to be flexible and move for a bit. But it is way to soon to really even entertain any thoughts of moving.

We are off to Austin this weekend to visit some of my family. It will be fun and relaxing ans just what the doctor ordered.

Communication is a good thing

I was feeling sad today again so my bf and I did some talking today. And no, not everything is resolved, and who knows if there will be a recurrence again soon, but a few good things did happen.

1. He seems to have emerged from his funk. He is laughing, playing video games with my nephew, and telling me how much he loves me.

2. I have an appt with a new psych tomorrow. I need to talk to someone unbiased about my over-analyzing mind.

3. I feel more hopeful that the differences we have are not impossible to overcome.

I know we have more work to do, but I did stress today that we have to talk about things or else we will fail as a couple. And while I did most of the talking, it did make me hopeful that he listened, didn't get angry or defensive, and clearly thought about what was said. It's a start.

Helping myself

I bought a couple of self help books today. I am not sure I truly believe in any of them but at this point I need advice from anyone and everyone. I am also going to look into getting a new therapist. I had a good one, but he wasn't covered by my plan and at $195 a pop I couldn't get all the therapy I needed from him. I just know I need to find some clarity to figure out if how I feel right now in my relationship is ok, fixable, or a lost cause.

On a bright note, my nephew is awesome. I love that he is here this week with me, that I drop him off for camp and he is excited, and that I pick him up 7 hours later and he is still excited. My nephews (3) and my nieces (2) bring me so much joy; my regret is that I don't live within driving distance so that I can see them more often. I tried living where they live a few years, but it was no place for single career girls in their 30's. Oh well... I will just enjoy this week and know that I get to see them all in a month for my parent's 40th anniversary.

Setting them up for a possible disappointment

I have always worried about introducing men I date to my family. My bf now had met almost everyone and has spent time with them multiple times despite us living in different cities from them. And he is great with everyone... from my 10 month old nephew to my 93 yr. old grandmother. In fact, he is at this moment playing a computer game with my 9 yr old nephew.

If he and I do not work out, and you know I have had my doubts lately on whether we will, will my family be really disappointed in me? Sure, more than anything they want me to be happy, and I know they trust my judgment, but I also know he fits in well and that is sometimes not that easy to find. Again, I have to stop worrying about what everyone else will think either way and just live my life.

I guess I am just overly tired... I am not used to taking care of 2 active kids and the week has just begun. I think and analyze too much and I really need to stop doing that. I will sabotage any chance at happiness if I constantly worry about failing.

Sale!!!

My bf and I have started a distribution business on the side. I am in sales, but don't really cold call per say. Tonight, however, I made my first real sale for our business and it was very exciting. It was very small, but it is a step in the right direction. Now if I can just get about 200 more customers like this I will be good.

On another note... late this afternoon I was home working in my bedroom when my bf called to me that there was someone pulling up in our driveway. The next thing I know he is calling to me that an "Adam" was here. I went to the door and saw it was a guy I dated on and off for a while in 2006, but had not spoken to in about a year. Quite honestly he was horrible to me and I was stupid enough to put up with it for far too long.

After my initial shock I invited him in, introduced him to my bf and sat in the den with him. It was a pretty awkward 15 minutes- maybe because it was immediately evident that I had a live- in bf. He said he was in the neighborhood and was just curious to see if I still lived here and what I was up to. Whatever... I think he knows not to contact me again. I was so so happy bf was here.

And finally- my 7 yr old niece and 9 yr old nephew will be in town to stay with us this weekend. My nephew will stay the week for soccer camp so it will be an exhausting week for me, but I haven't seen them since April so I am excited. Its a good chance for bf to spend more time with the kiddos too.

Have a great Friday!

Are we meant to be?

I started this blog to write about my relationship and life. I sometimes find myself holding back (already) from writing what's on my mind and I need to stop that. It ruins the point of me even writing if I censor my feelings.

I often wonder if my bf and I will make it to forever. We are so different when it comes to working, money, and even just plain everyday thinking sometimes.

I make a good living, but I always thought when I found my true love we would work together to build a future. Right now he is busy, but not necessarily making a living yet. And certainly not one that would enable us to be comfortable having a family. He is a scrapper, and always finds a way to support himself. Now that we live together I wonder if he I have made it too easy for him to find himself without any sense of urgency because I own a house, pay many of the bills, etc.

When we moved in together the agreement was that we would get engaged by the end of the year. I wasn't 100% comfortable moving in together in the first place, but I thought if we had an agreed date it would make it better. Now I wonder if he will try to extend the date. He has not really said that, but there have been a few alarming comments that make me wonder.

I, however, am sticking to my guns. If he isn't ready after living with me for a year to get engaged then he never will be and we are not made to be. As pessimistic as it sounds, I have already formulated a plan B in the event we break up. I love him so much and can't imagine not being with him, but I also won't stay with someone who doesn't want to commit to me.

So while I am not panicking and I know there is still plenty of time until the end of the year, a little part of me can't help but wonder if we really are meant to be man and wife one day.

Ebay here I come

I have bought some stuff on ebay before but have never sold anything. In cleaning out some drawers I came across some things that might sell well on it so I thought I would give it a try. It was so easy!

So of course now I am looking around my house looking for more things to sell. It is not that I need the money, but there is just something exciting about logging into my account and seeing if anyone has bid on my items yet. I apparently have too much time on my hands.

I have been productive this weekend though. I cleaned and got laundry done, did some work on the business venture that bf and I are starting. I also got my car washed. We still need to go grocery shopping and maybe, just maybe I might try to hit the gym for a little workout this evening. That's a big maybe however.

Hope your weekend was fun and productive!

Date Night

Last night we had our our version of a date night. Very romantic, I assure you.

We first went to my synagogue for services; it's the first time we have been there together and I really wanted him to like it. I am reform, and he seems to think he can persuade me to be "more religious" but he is wrong. I like where I am at. Anyway, he said it was ok so that is a start.

Next, did we go out to a cute little cafe for dinner? No, we went to Costco. That's right, our hot date took us warehouse shopping. Fortunately, we knew what we needed and were in and out in record time.

We then did make it to a yummy Thai food place which hit the spot. We have this make believe list of restaurants we will frequent and we added this one to it.

All in all, a good night. Unfortunately, our true romantic dates happen on special occasions more than anything, like his bday next week.

Facebook reunions

Let me say this first... I probably am too old to have a facebook profile yet I find it very amusing. Sure, there are a few people that I have reconnected with that I was friends with and that I am genuinely happy to talk to . But for the most part I find that I get friend invitations from people I went to school with and that I was social with, but that I wouldn't call a friend. And yet I accept their invitations and look at their profiles and pictures. I may even write on their walls.

However, I rarely send a personal message nor do they. Basically, I have developed a network where we "spy" on each others lives without having to actually communicate with each other. We find out about each others personal lives, where we live, what we do, etc. I don't know- I am somewhat torn because while I consider it an innocent guilty pleasure, it also seems a little shady. As in, if I really wanted to keep in touch with these people, wouldn't I already have their info?

too much pressure.. or not enough?

When my bf and I moved in together we had an agreement on when we would get engaged... the end of this year. And I have never once asked that we speed things up because I do believe we need to spend more time getting to know each other first.

But recently I have come to wonder if we will, in fact, get engaged by the end of the year. He hasn't come out and said anything differently but there are times here and there where little mentions are made. Like we haven't known each other that long or that he has no money for the ring so he shouldn't be getting engaged.

Needless to say, I have started to worry which in turn has led me to say things to him that he feels is pressure. My main objective is for him to know that I am very serious about the end of year because I was hesitant to move in together in the first place for the very fear I am having now. And if he decides he is not ready then he will have to move out. Yes, I know I am worrying far too soon and I have to have faith. I just have gotten my heart broken so many times before that I really don't know how I would cope with it.

So for now we are both feeling a little hurt.. he that I pressure him and me that he can't reassure me that it will all be fine.

Just a minute

I drove 200 miles round trip today to make my sales calls. The heat index was something like 99 and the humidity was over 90%. I am exhausted. BF and I ordered Pizza Hut, and are now eating it and watching a movie.

Hope you stayed cool. Good night!

I'll Survive

You know those days where you don't feel quite right quite right, but you don't feel bad enough to miss work? Well, I am having one of those days. My stomach is acting up some; I could barely manage to choke down a few bites of cereal.

It is also so hot here right now. I realize that this is nothing new, that I live in Texas after all where the winters are mild but the summers are dreadful. When I worked in an office I didn't mind it so much because I would go to my garage, get in my car and drive to another garage and park for the day. Now that I am in sales, I don't always have the luxury of a parking garage and am often getting into a car that has been sitting in the sun for a while. And since I have to dress up for work this means some extra sweating on my part. Ok, enough complaining... for now.

I had a great unexciting long weekend. In a couple of weeks my nephew will be visiting for a week of sports camp then I will be going out of town so it's good to have the down time when I can. Hope yours was equally enjoyable.

Couch Potato

I rarely allow myself to be a complete slug, but I am indulging now. After getting some errands run this morning, I came home and BF downloaded the first season of Damages for me. My co-worker raved about it, but it was several episodes in by then. So now I am in my pajamas lying on the bed having a viewing marathon. I am currently on the 4th episode, and it's pretty intriguing.

Any other good series I should try to catch up on this summer?

Happy 4th!

I went to Target and bought a flag today. BF hung it- it doesn't look great, but at least we are being patriotic.

This weekend will be all about relaxing with a little catching up on work. I plan to sleep in as long as my eyes will stay closed tomorrow. Unfortunately I doubt that will be much later than 8ish, but I am hoping it will be longer.

There is a 50% chance of rain tomorrow, but I imagine it will be more like 100%. See, BF went out and bought a timer and sprinklers and connected it with the existing hoses so it will turn on at 4am each morning. It has been rather dry here so we need to water, but I am sure now that we have automated it we will get rain for a week straight. Murphy's law right?

Overall we have a had a good week- lots of love, just a little bickering. I will take a week like this anytime.

Fighting dirty is not cool

I have a very good friend who recently moved out of state to be with a man. She has known him online for a few years but only met him in person last year. Without delving too much into her personal details, they basically fell in love quickly, she transferred with her job to his city, and now they are expecting a child. All in a 6 month period of time.

I only wish the best for her. And most of the time he is very loving towards her. However, when they get into an argument he doesn't fight fair. He accuses her of being selfish, hangs up on her if they are on the phone, or cuts her off when she is trying to make her point. It is a very immature way of handling conflict, and stems from how he was brought up and from his previous marriage.

I have held my tongue on more than one occasion when she tells me this because I don't want her to feel she can't talk to me. It is just very hard for me because she has literally sacrificed everything to be with him: her family and friends, a better position in her company, and on top of it all, she more or less supports him and his 3 children (when they are at their home). I just want him to appreciate how hard this has been for her, how her job has become very stressful, how she is having a baby and has no girlfriends to support her there, and finally, how much better his life is because she is in it. I just am not so sure he sees that because if he did, he might not be so quick to call her selfish.

As I have said before, I am a worrier. And her situation gives me plenty to fret over.

Just a quickie

I am running late this morning. My bf and I got a little frisky and one thing led to another...
Last night I felt so in love. Let me clarify: I love him every day, but yesterday I was just gushing with love. It made for a very sweet cuddling session when we got in bed and watched tv.

We are working on a new business venture and we made our first sale yesterday and made headway with another phase of the project. More of that to come once we have solidified everything more. I am looking forward to getting more involved with it even though it means a lot of night and weekend work for me since I have my real job. But it will be fun and I will learn a lot of about running my own business.

Have a great Tuesday!

Sunday, where art thou?

Is it just me, or does it seem like the weekends feel shorter and shorter? Since we had bf's friends in town we literally got nothing done that we wanted to do. And since we are working on a new business venture we really needed to get things done. Supposedly we have friends coming in again this weekend, but we are both hoping they change their minds because we need a break. July will be very busy.

Watching the news is more depressing than usual. In addition to the war and all of the crime that goes on in a big city there is the cost of gas and the slumping stock market. Oh, and it is going to rain...

I will pep up; after all, it is only a 4 day work week so that is something positive.

The art of commuication

My bf and I got into an argument last night. We have guests this weekend and they are his friends who I have just met. It seemed to me that many times he was giving me looks or nudging me under the table when I was talking about one thing or the other. When I brought this up to him he said something to the affect that he wanted to make sure I didn't say something wrong (which I didn't) because he wanted them to like me. He also said he wasn't doing it nearly as much as I perceived him to be.

Well, I almost lost it. I told him that I wanted them to like me for who I was, not some censored version. We went back and forth about this (in our room privately), and I am still not sure if things are resolved. I think I sometimes let things build up when I should just call him out right away.

Its all a learning process, I realize that. Some days are harder than others. Most days, however, it is worth it. And making up after a disagreement can be pretty fun too.

Note to self: review entry before posting. My spelling and grammar are so poor... sorry about that.

TGIF

I am so happy that the weekend is almost here. I have a conference call at 8:30, and work lunch at 12 and my usually appts. and then it will be here. My bf will also be back in town which makes me happy.

His close friend and his wife are visiting us this weekend. I have never met them so this will be interesting, but hopefully fun. The house is clean- I can get a lot more done when bf is our of town for some reason.

It is so hot out... I would love to have a small pool to float around in, but it won't add value to my house to practical me says no to that. Oh well...

Have a great weekend!

No pain no gain

I went to the gym today for the first time in a few weeks. I have a friend that I meet there and we both share the same lack of enthusiasm for working out. The funny thing is that I used to really enjoy it. In fact, I would spend about 2 hours there 5 days of week. I didn't have any sort of life then, but I was in the best shape of my adult life.

My weight is always an issue. I have struggled with it since puberty and I have finally come to realize that I am never going to be skinny, I will always have to watch my portions and choices, and being healthy should be my goal. The fact that I now have a man in my life that thinks I am beautiful and sexy definitely helps with my insecurities about my body. But I still have 20-25 pounds that I want to lose. If I could only lose my love of sweets too...

My biggest struggle...

with my relationship that is. I have a fairly normal work schedule in that I leave the house in the morning and return several hours later. My bf however, works from home. At least he sometimes works. He is self employed and while he has the potential to do really well he sometimes lacks focus. This in turn can lead to weeks where he makes nothing.

I should also say that he has been successful in the past but a bad business deal pretty much wiped him out. I think it has definitely affected his psyche as well.

He is full of ideas on launching new businesses and developing new products, but I feel you need to have some savings and security before you take that risk. And right now, he just doesn't have that. I earn a good living and do not need him to support me yet I worry about our future and fear that I will come to resent the way he is. When he does have money he is very generous with it, and it is not like he mooches off of me. I just know that I am more conservative and more of a fretter.

In some ways I am happier then I have ever been. I am very in love and have found a man who loves and accepts me as I am. Yet these doubts keep creeping in and they are all related to finances and our future.

I know money doesn't buy happiness and I am not saying he needs to make x amount- but I wouldn't mind a steady paycheck.

Everyone I know says its natural to have doubts, and they won't necessarily kill relationships. I am trying to learn to accept the way he is, and to realize we will be fine. I should appreciate the good he brings to my life instead of focusing on what is really the only challenge.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Any thoughts or advice?

A little background...

Some things about me... I am in my mid-thirties and am in sales. I live with my bf: we have been together since the end of last year and moved in together officially in April. I own my house so he moved in with me. It has been an adjustment, sometimes a little painful but usually pretty good. More on that later.

I am a Texas girl, not with the stereotypical accent but definitely with the friendliness and openness of Texans.

When I am not working I am volunteering, shopping, watching mindless TV or romantic comedy movies. I read mainly for lighthearted pleasure because so much of what I read for work is serious and academic.

I am very close to my family although none live in my city. We are "normal" in that we have our idiosyncrasies but somehow manage to make it all work . I adore my nephews and nieces; until I have children of my own they are my true joy.

My bf is driving to a city 3 hours away tonight so I need to put in some quality time. He likes to drive very late even though I am nervous until I know he has made it. Guess that's something else I should add about myself... I am a classic worrier.

Night.

My first day...

Hello.... to anyone and everyone who reads this. I have been a blog reader for a very long time, but only recently decided to create one myself. Until now, all my thoughts, emotions, frustrations, etc., have been saved on a thumb drive in a password protected document. The fact that they are about to become public is a little scary.

I read all sorts of blogs but find myself most interested in ones that are written by women similar to me... single, independent, career women wrestling with the ups and downs of dating in the 21st century. Now, I find myself in the first really serious, committed, HEALTHY relationship I have ever had, and sometimes I wonder if I am getting it right most of the time.

The overused saying "the grass is always greener" has never crossed my mind more often then the past several months. I still p0nder it every day...