Mamma Mia- solo

I am going to the movies tonight- by myself. I haven't done that in a long time, but I think it will be fun. Then I am going to the gym to do a quick 30 minute cardio workout.

Things have settled down with me. The bf and I are getting along. I am really working on containing my thoughts and not worrying so much about the future. We are happy together, we love each other, and while things aren't perfect I know there is no such thing. Its time to start enjoying my life and not being so negative.

And now I am off to put on my gym clothes and head to the theater for the early evening show.

Another Monday

They just come too fast. And I even took Friday off at the last minute so I have absolutely no excuse to be so blah. I think I need a vacation, but I just hate taking a bunch of days off and then ending up with none at the end of the year so I try to pace myself.

I had a great weekend. We went to this small cute town here in Texas and did a little shopping. There are a lot of winerys around there and we plan to come back in October and do a tasting tour.

I hopefully will hear something about the potential job this week.

Thats all I have got for now. Have a good Monday!

Let the sun shine...

I mean that literally. I live in Texas... in case you hadn't heard we had a little hurricane. I don't live in that area actually, but the gulf is active and we probably got a few inches of rain here too. I checked the weather for the weekend and it looks clear.

I had a great appointment with my new psych. I really like her style and think she can help me with my angst. BF and I have been having some really great days after we talked. I don't expect all of my concerns to disappear, but I am trying to just enjoy each day.

My boss is encouraging me to go for a new job out of town. She thinks my "fine mind" is somewhat wasted in my current position. If I were to get this job, which is highly unlikely because it is very very senior, it would only be for a couple of years and bf said to go for it if it would advance my career. I think he realizes that right now my career is more established and he can afford to be flexible and move for a bit. But it is way to soon to really even entertain any thoughts of moving.

We are off to Austin this weekend to visit some of my family. It will be fun and relaxing ans just what the doctor ordered.

Communication is a good thing

I was feeling sad today again so my bf and I did some talking today. And no, not everything is resolved, and who knows if there will be a recurrence again soon, but a few good things did happen.

1. He seems to have emerged from his funk. He is laughing, playing video games with my nephew, and telling me how much he loves me.

2. I have an appt with a new psych tomorrow. I need to talk to someone unbiased about my over-analyzing mind.

3. I feel more hopeful that the differences we have are not impossible to overcome.

I know we have more work to do, but I did stress today that we have to talk about things or else we will fail as a couple. And while I did most of the talking, it did make me hopeful that he listened, didn't get angry or defensive, and clearly thought about what was said. It's a start.

Helping myself

I bought a couple of self help books today. I am not sure I truly believe in any of them but at this point I need advice from anyone and everyone. I am also going to look into getting a new therapist. I had a good one, but he wasn't covered by my plan and at $195 a pop I couldn't get all the therapy I needed from him. I just know I need to find some clarity to figure out if how I feel right now in my relationship is ok, fixable, or a lost cause.

On a bright note, my nephew is awesome. I love that he is here this week with me, that I drop him off for camp and he is excited, and that I pick him up 7 hours later and he is still excited. My nephews (3) and my nieces (2) bring me so much joy; my regret is that I don't live within driving distance so that I can see them more often. I tried living where they live a few years, but it was no place for single career girls in their 30's. Oh well... I will just enjoy this week and know that I get to see them all in a month for my parent's 40th anniversary.

Setting them up for a possible disappointment

I have always worried about introducing men I date to my family. My bf now had met almost everyone and has spent time with them multiple times despite us living in different cities from them. And he is great with everyone... from my 10 month old nephew to my 93 yr. old grandmother. In fact, he is at this moment playing a computer game with my 9 yr old nephew.

If he and I do not work out, and you know I have had my doubts lately on whether we will, will my family be really disappointed in me? Sure, more than anything they want me to be happy, and I know they trust my judgment, but I also know he fits in well and that is sometimes not that easy to find. Again, I have to stop worrying about what everyone else will think either way and just live my life.

I guess I am just overly tired... I am not used to taking care of 2 active kids and the week has just begun. I think and analyze too much and I really need to stop doing that. I will sabotage any chance at happiness if I constantly worry about failing.

Sale!!!

My bf and I have started a distribution business on the side. I am in sales, but don't really cold call per say. Tonight, however, I made my first real sale for our business and it was very exciting. It was very small, but it is a step in the right direction. Now if I can just get about 200 more customers like this I will be good.

On another note... late this afternoon I was home working in my bedroom when my bf called to me that there was someone pulling up in our driveway. The next thing I know he is calling to me that an "Adam" was here. I went to the door and saw it was a guy I dated on and off for a while in 2006, but had not spoken to in about a year. Quite honestly he was horrible to me and I was stupid enough to put up with it for far too long.

After my initial shock I invited him in, introduced him to my bf and sat in the den with him. It was a pretty awkward 15 minutes- maybe because it was immediately evident that I had a live- in bf. He said he was in the neighborhood and was just curious to see if I still lived here and what I was up to. Whatever... I think he knows not to contact me again. I was so so happy bf was here.

And finally- my 7 yr old niece and 9 yr old nephew will be in town to stay with us this weekend. My nephew will stay the week for soccer camp so it will be an exhausting week for me, but I haven't seen them since April so I am excited. Its a good chance for bf to spend more time with the kiddos too.

Have a great Friday!

Are we meant to be?

I started this blog to write about my relationship and life. I sometimes find myself holding back (already) from writing what's on my mind and I need to stop that. It ruins the point of me even writing if I censor my feelings.

I often wonder if my bf and I will make it to forever. We are so different when it comes to working, money, and even just plain everyday thinking sometimes.

I make a good living, but I always thought when I found my true love we would work together to build a future. Right now he is busy, but not necessarily making a living yet. And certainly not one that would enable us to be comfortable having a family. He is a scrapper, and always finds a way to support himself. Now that we live together I wonder if he I have made it too easy for him to find himself without any sense of urgency because I own a house, pay many of the bills, etc.

When we moved in together the agreement was that we would get engaged by the end of the year. I wasn't 100% comfortable moving in together in the first place, but I thought if we had an agreed date it would make it better. Now I wonder if he will try to extend the date. He has not really said that, but there have been a few alarming comments that make me wonder.

I, however, am sticking to my guns. If he isn't ready after living with me for a year to get engaged then he never will be and we are not made to be. As pessimistic as it sounds, I have already formulated a plan B in the event we break up. I love him so much and can't imagine not being with him, but I also won't stay with someone who doesn't want to commit to me.

So while I am not panicking and I know there is still plenty of time until the end of the year, a little part of me can't help but wonder if we really are meant to be man and wife one day.

Ebay here I come

I have bought some stuff on ebay before but have never sold anything. In cleaning out some drawers I came across some things that might sell well on it so I thought I would give it a try. It was so easy!

So of course now I am looking around my house looking for more things to sell. It is not that I need the money, but there is just something exciting about logging into my account and seeing if anyone has bid on my items yet. I apparently have too much time on my hands.

I have been productive this weekend though. I cleaned and got laundry done, did some work on the business venture that bf and I are starting. I also got my car washed. We still need to go grocery shopping and maybe, just maybe I might try to hit the gym for a little workout this evening. That's a big maybe however.

Hope your weekend was fun and productive!

Date Night

Last night we had our our version of a date night. Very romantic, I assure you.

We first went to my synagogue for services; it's the first time we have been there together and I really wanted him to like it. I am reform, and he seems to think he can persuade me to be "more religious" but he is wrong. I like where I am at. Anyway, he said it was ok so that is a start.

Next, did we go out to a cute little cafe for dinner? No, we went to Costco. That's right, our hot date took us warehouse shopping. Fortunately, we knew what we needed and were in and out in record time.

We then did make it to a yummy Thai food place which hit the spot. We have this make believe list of restaurants we will frequent and we added this one to it.

All in all, a good night. Unfortunately, our true romantic dates happen on special occasions more than anything, like his bday next week.

Facebook reunions

Let me say this first... I probably am too old to have a facebook profile yet I find it very amusing. Sure, there are a few people that I have reconnected with that I was friends with and that I am genuinely happy to talk to . But for the most part I find that I get friend invitations from people I went to school with and that I was social with, but that I wouldn't call a friend. And yet I accept their invitations and look at their profiles and pictures. I may even write on their walls.

However, I rarely send a personal message nor do they. Basically, I have developed a network where we "spy" on each others lives without having to actually communicate with each other. We find out about each others personal lives, where we live, what we do, etc. I don't know- I am somewhat torn because while I consider it an innocent guilty pleasure, it also seems a little shady. As in, if I really wanted to keep in touch with these people, wouldn't I already have their info?

too much pressure.. or not enough?

When my bf and I moved in together we had an agreement on when we would get engaged... the end of this year. And I have never once asked that we speed things up because I do believe we need to spend more time getting to know each other first.

But recently I have come to wonder if we will, in fact, get engaged by the end of the year. He hasn't come out and said anything differently but there are times here and there where little mentions are made. Like we haven't known each other that long or that he has no money for the ring so he shouldn't be getting engaged.

Needless to say, I have started to worry which in turn has led me to say things to him that he feels is pressure. My main objective is for him to know that I am very serious about the end of year because I was hesitant to move in together in the first place for the very fear I am having now. And if he decides he is not ready then he will have to move out. Yes, I know I am worrying far too soon and I have to have faith. I just have gotten my heart broken so many times before that I really don't know how I would cope with it.

So for now we are both feeling a little hurt.. he that I pressure him and me that he can't reassure me that it will all be fine.

Just a minute

I drove 200 miles round trip today to make my sales calls. The heat index was something like 99 and the humidity was over 90%. I am exhausted. BF and I ordered Pizza Hut, and are now eating it and watching a movie.

Hope you stayed cool. Good night!

I'll Survive

You know those days where you don't feel quite right quite right, but you don't feel bad enough to miss work? Well, I am having one of those days. My stomach is acting up some; I could barely manage to choke down a few bites of cereal.

It is also so hot here right now. I realize that this is nothing new, that I live in Texas after all where the winters are mild but the summers are dreadful. When I worked in an office I didn't mind it so much because I would go to my garage, get in my car and drive to another garage and park for the day. Now that I am in sales, I don't always have the luxury of a parking garage and am often getting into a car that has been sitting in the sun for a while. And since I have to dress up for work this means some extra sweating on my part. Ok, enough complaining... for now.

I had a great unexciting long weekend. In a couple of weeks my nephew will be visiting for a week of sports camp then I will be going out of town so it's good to have the down time when I can. Hope yours was equally enjoyable.

Couch Potato

I rarely allow myself to be a complete slug, but I am indulging now. After getting some errands run this morning, I came home and BF downloaded the first season of Damages for me. My co-worker raved about it, but it was several episodes in by then. So now I am in my pajamas lying on the bed having a viewing marathon. I am currently on the 4th episode, and it's pretty intriguing.

Any other good series I should try to catch up on this summer?

Happy 4th!

I went to Target and bought a flag today. BF hung it- it doesn't look great, but at least we are being patriotic.

This weekend will be all about relaxing with a little catching up on work. I plan to sleep in as long as my eyes will stay closed tomorrow. Unfortunately I doubt that will be much later than 8ish, but I am hoping it will be longer.

There is a 50% chance of rain tomorrow, but I imagine it will be more like 100%. See, BF went out and bought a timer and sprinklers and connected it with the existing hoses so it will turn on at 4am each morning. It has been rather dry here so we need to water, but I am sure now that we have automated it we will get rain for a week straight. Murphy's law right?

Overall we have a had a good week- lots of love, just a little bickering. I will take a week like this anytime.

Fighting dirty is not cool

I have a very good friend who recently moved out of state to be with a man. She has known him online for a few years but only met him in person last year. Without delving too much into her personal details, they basically fell in love quickly, she transferred with her job to his city, and now they are expecting a child. All in a 6 month period of time.

I only wish the best for her. And most of the time he is very loving towards her. However, when they get into an argument he doesn't fight fair. He accuses her of being selfish, hangs up on her if they are on the phone, or cuts her off when she is trying to make her point. It is a very immature way of handling conflict, and stems from how he was brought up and from his previous marriage.

I have held my tongue on more than one occasion when she tells me this because I don't want her to feel she can't talk to me. It is just very hard for me because she has literally sacrificed everything to be with him: her family and friends, a better position in her company, and on top of it all, she more or less supports him and his 3 children (when they are at their home). I just want him to appreciate how hard this has been for her, how her job has become very stressful, how she is having a baby and has no girlfriends to support her there, and finally, how much better his life is because she is in it. I just am not so sure he sees that because if he did, he might not be so quick to call her selfish.

As I have said before, I am a worrier. And her situation gives me plenty to fret over.

Just a quickie

I am running late this morning. My bf and I got a little frisky and one thing led to another...
Last night I felt so in love. Let me clarify: I love him every day, but yesterday I was just gushing with love. It made for a very sweet cuddling session when we got in bed and watched tv.

We are working on a new business venture and we made our first sale yesterday and made headway with another phase of the project. More of that to come once we have solidified everything more. I am looking forward to getting more involved with it even though it means a lot of night and weekend work for me since I have my real job. But it will be fun and I will learn a lot of about running my own business.

Have a great Tuesday!